Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Water Torture

"I think we should. It'll save loads of time and it means we won't have to get someone to do it while we're on holiday"
"We're not going on holiday. REMEMBER?."
"I know but I think it'll be good anyway. It takes hours."
"I thought you enjoyed it."
"I do but we'll never get round to watching five series of Mad Men if I have to do that every night."
"Right. Lets go. Got pen and paper?"
"Okay, so this piece of string is 13 meters long."
"Is it? How do you know?"
"I measured it. Now hold the end."
"So, if we start here, bend it under here, round this, over here, loop round there and over to that one and all along there."
"It's run out."
"Okay, put your foot there. Hang on it's got stuck. Right, start again from here. Behind this 'till it gets there, then up, over and to the end of that one. Perfect."
"So, that's two lots of thirteen meters. It comes in twenty five meter lengths."
"Hmm... never mind. Let's move onto this section. This is where we're going to have the leaky one."
"Wait. Shall I just write down 'one' for the feed hose then? And what about all the little hose bits that come off the main one and the drippers that go on the ends and some of those squirty ones and don't forget the connector and the end cap, or we could have a dripper on the end as well. We were going to have some of those 'in-line' drippers as well weren't we? Then we need stakes to hold it in place and the fixy things for where it goes along the wall..  "
"We'll get to that in a minute. Let's work out how much of the other type of hose we need to do all along the bay hedge and the bushes around the trampoline. Forget about the string, I'll just pace it out. One, two, three, four five.. bloody hell, I thought I picked all this up this morning: they must have sneaked out and done another one."
"I don't think it's going to look very nice having this black hose draped over everything. They had 'elbow joints' on the website. It'll be much neater if it goes right up to the edge of the railway sleepers and makes a nice right-angle turn up and over and into the bed."
"Okay, we'll go back to the beginning then. How many of those do we need? One here, one here, one here, one here, two here, how much do these cost?"
"Not much."
"God, I can't work this all out. Let's go in and do a drawing...."
".... what's that meant to be?"
"That's where you wanted the stake drippers isn't it?"
"Is that meant to be a hydrangea then?? Those bushes at the back aren't hydrangeas."
"I KNOW. That spiral shape isn't meant to be a hydrangea, or any plant, it's the STAKE DRIPPERS."
"Okay Okay. Let's get the website up, we'll go through one bed at a time and I'll add things to the basket. 25 meters of supply tube, 2 lots of 10 meters of seeping hose. Ugh, why has the internet decided to go so slow... 7 elbow joints - they come in packs of two, so 4 packs... 2 x T junctions to split the supply hose... 2 connectors... 2 end stops... a 4-way tap attachment, £19.99! shit... it says you need a little thing to make a hole in the hose to attach the micro hose, one of those... how much micro hose? 3 packs? 6 in-line drippers, they come in packs of 5... 9 stake drippers... 
"How much are we up to"
"Blimey. Is that it then?"
" No, we need about 100 of the tiny connectors to attach all the micro hose to the supply hose and the drippers to the micro hose, where are they?... wouldn't it be funny if they were out of stock after all this?... 


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